By Dave Fore

10. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy"

9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard

8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip

7. Your web browser has a new home page: www.feline.com/

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it...and a strange aroma of tuna

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "Cyber Dog"

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it

3. You keep finding new software around your house like Catin Tax and WarCat II

2. On IRC you're known as the Iron Mouser

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post

TOP SIXTEEN SIGNS YOUR CAT MAY BE PLANNING TO KILL YOU

16. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden

15. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill

14. He actually has your tongue

13. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch

12. Cyanide pawprints all over the house

11. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed

10. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip

9. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM"

8. You catch him with a new mohawk, looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?"

7. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on

6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed

5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.

4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep

3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose

2. You find a piece of paper labeled "My Will" which says: "LEEV AWL 2 KAT"

and the number one sign your cat may be planning to kill you...

1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines

TOP TEN REASONS WHY KITTENS ARE BETTER THAN BABIES

by Dawn Myfanwy Cohen

10. Veterinarians have evening hours

9. Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole movie theater with its crying. Hell, you don't even have to take the kitten with you, and if you don't, you don't even have to worry about whether or not the sitter is available tonight

8. Your kitten won't grow out of those cute but expensive clothes within three months

7. Kittens look cute if they haven't had a bath this month

6. You probably don't have to lie awake nights wondering how you are going to finance your kitten's college (or high school) education

5. No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you don't to breast-feed your kitten

4. No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you fondle your kitten

3. Dan Quayle can't accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of the country if you aren't married to the father of your kitten. In fact, nobody will ever ask you if you know who the father is

2. No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when they hear you just got a kitten

and the number one reason why kittens are better than babies

1. You only have to change a litter box once a day!

TOP SIXTEEN SIGNS YOUR CAT MAY BE PLOTTING WORLD DOMINATION

16. Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the coded message that Garfield sends out every day

15. Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day

14. Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of Poland

13. When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of the Tri-Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing with yarn

12. Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets and nine suicide bombs

11. What you thought was "heat"; is actually a four-legged goose step

10. Well "somebody" subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination

9. Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals "tattoo" to be blueprint of the UN building

8. Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap

7. Kitty Chow spilled on the floow spells out "Drop the car keys and leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head"

6. Then -- dead mice in the kitchen. Now -- dead third world dictators in the basement

5. Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some kind of "land mine" technology

4. Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23

3. Has recently been acting somewhat...aloof

2. What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes up for with his ruthless handling of rival software companies

1. Somehow, you're now subscribed to "Pussy of Fortune" magazine