TOP SIGNS YOUR KITTY IS HANGING AROUND WITH THE WRONG CROWD

- One day, without your permission, he gets his ears pierced

- Your credit card is overcharged, mainly for "9-Lives"

- You find attached to the refrigerator, a note that reads: "Leave a steak on the front porch at midnight, or you'll never see Spot again"

- Too many times a week, your cat comes home after one in the morning, totally plastered and with a strong odour of catnip about him

- You come home to catch him in the act of raiding your liquor cabinet

- Several hundred dollars' worth of phone calls appear on your phone bill to "1-900-PUSSYCAT-MEOW"

- You find out that the lifetime's supply of cat food wasn't a prize from "Kitten's Life" magazine, but that your cat has been selling drugs in the neighbourhood

- After failing to get your attention with constant meows and by rubbing up against your leg, your cat pulls out his Magnum-44 and aims it at you, demanding "Friskies" and catnip

SIGNS YOUR CAT IS TOO FAT

- Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener

- Confused guests constantly mistaking heer for beanbag chair

- Always lands on spleen

- Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches

- Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens

- No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz

- Cat food dish replaced with Rush Limbaugh trough

- Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit

- It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter

- Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky

- Only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull

- Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly bufed

- Has more chins than lives